Today...

i ran my fingers along whats left of you
what i remember of you
what consists of you
i shed a light tear

and i saw you looking right through me.
nothing is opaque
nothing is at ease

i calmly dissipate into your vague binary past.
i'd hoped to see an aurora before die

i'll juxtapose my memory of your smile along the elusive lines
i'll find your starry-eyed gaze amongst the god of the northern wind.
the goddess of the dawn.
the dawn. that taketh you away.

Bosch Painting on The Tarmac

I saw a dead rat on the street this morning on my way to work,
while i was holding my bladder because i needed to take a leak badly, the first piss-related pain i had to endure since, oh i don't know, high school?
I never were a mineral water drinker. my bad.

I saw it from afar and i could vividly imagine and smell the gory of it.
its red gut spilling allover in contrast with its black gleam of rat fur.
so über grotesque and very Bosch

Siap-Siap Sakit Hati

Hati ini terbelah di tengah. Bukan remuk, atau rusak.
Saya bahagia karena saya sehat walafiat, dan cukup makan tanpa kecuali.
Pun tidak terlalu banyak harus terkurung hujan atau terpapar matahari.
lalu saya mendengar, melihat, dan membayangkan suaranya ketika ia bicara.
menjelaskan hal hal tidak penting,
tidak masuk akal, tanpa hubungan.
lalu dengan sadar saya tersenyum karena, lagi-lagi saya sadar, saya bahagia
walau dengan waktu kadaluarsa.

ini sudah terjadi berulang kali.
seharusnya saya belajar.
berkali kali.
kamu teman.

itu saja.
seperti yang lalu,
kau hanya akan melukai diri sendiri di tempat yang sama,
dengan cara yang serupa.

Points of Today

1. I was thinking nothing about God.
about His greater power.
In fact, I was ready to give up.

until some annoying announcer in the radio-for-the-middle-aged mentioned so.
about not giving up and how we have an obligation to strive until the day we die.
We owe it to God as the one that isn't giving up on us. ever.
Shiiite...

Not even for once, would He let me brood and despair for more than one commercial break.
Yet I thank Him for this.

An instant answer, in as much as anything that is instant is dim, is now what i need the most.
Not unlike paracetamol, which I strongly doubt as something more of a serious substance than salt and water.
But if you need it, you need it.
salvaged?
just a bit so.
i have more to do. Such as convincing myself that the struggle isn't over till He said it's over.
Which leads me to:

2. This editorial article in Real Simple which mentioned about what good it brings to do simple yet significant things,such as listing five things you're most grateful at every morning before you even get out of bed.
so i'm doing it now.

1. i'm learning two of my favourite (ok, important, someday, hopefully) things, German and Photography.
2. I still have time to add more language. namely : Italian. even if i might not ever use it with anyone. chances are, like german, i'd be dead by the time these languages are about to go extinct. So i'd still have a dozen or two italians to speak to.
3. Now i know the secret to de-frizzing my hair. (!!) Very, very important.
4. The world has still got the Brits to inject us with dark humor with.
5. I have entertaining friends, despite not being British, they're never ever boring. Incredible.

Hope this lists go a long way.

Excerpts From "War Photographer"

James Nachtwey on unmediated pain in justice and misery:

If everyone could be there to see for themselves the fear and the grieve just one time,
then they'd understand that nothing is worth letting things get to the point where that happens to a single person, let alone thousands.

But everyone cannot be there and that is why photographers go there, to show them to reach out and grab them and make them stop what they're doing and pay attention to whats going on
to create pictures powerful enough to overcome the diluting effects of the mass media,
to shake people out of they're indifference
to protest. and by the strength of that protest, to make others protest.

Photoshop Talk

OK..
before I forgot. Let me elaborate how they make those cool monochrome multicolored images whatevs.
B/W it first, on adjustments.
pick gradient map.
Reverse or not. Whichever suits it.
change the color there as well.

*phew*

hoping the future me would understand this blog note.

for an old weathered photo effect :
overlay a photo with its monochrome image of red to yellow gradient, tweak the opacity/fill number on the layer options. Voila!!

Melupakan Adonis

P bilang "kita terlalu banyak melihat dunia."

Ketika saya tanya kenapa kita mau terlalu banyak di hidup ini.
Terlalu banyak mengenal kota cantik, danau sepi, angin dengan semerbak bau kayu, daun rimbun, buah manis di semua musim, seorang Adonis dengan senyum sipu, yang tidak mau terdengar berkelakar, tapi memang ingin sekali tertawa bahagia di pangkal lehernya karena ia sangat terhibur dengan senyummu.
Dengan rambut coklat keemasan, mata biru ombak yang seperti tembus pandang, tapi bukan kosong.
Karena ia senang sekali menatap wajah dan matamu.
Ia juga senang sekali bermandi matahari yang ia sangat yakin paling indah di kampung halamannya, membuat kulitnya terbakar kecoklatan.
Namun ia tidak khawatir karena ia terlalu sibuk bermain air dan menyelam ke dalamnya biru air Laut Selatan.